Forward

is not the button you click when you want the stupid movie to end faster.

I'm going to start blogging back. It's healthy.

dear brothers.

Back in first year we used to pester the ikhwah like crazy. When the lamps need to be changed, when the pipe leaked, when the gas leaked, when we want to move the closet, when the doors was locked with keys inside, when we want to put the curtains on. We thought it was okay.

but one of them said something behind my back, I heard and he doesn't know it. And it still hurts to the core.

"akhawat ni ngada gile"

That's when I stopped pestering them. It's like a wake up call to me. kami? mengada? We try to do things differently. Learn to be more independent.

Now in 3rd year, I kicked the door open on my own. That explained the musyrif. I was trying to be independent. Oh yes, I heard you alright. Please don't forget that we got technology. The camcorder got you.

If you lived with me for 5 complete years, you wouldn't say that, you wouldn't laugh along. [Is it even a joke?] 5 years. Something less than that, no sir, you don't get to judge me.

I'm no adventurous type of girl who like to go on a Rambo mission. I'm not proud whenever I don't use musyrif. It's terrifying.

I know, not even in 9th year a female can walk alone at night. I know.

But my ego was saying otherwise.

I HAD ego. What I know is a fact and what I feel is nonsense. Since no one care about feelings anymore, let's just put them aside.

I would say, I am truly very thankful to those who ever helped us and sorry for being such a troublesome. I don't hate help. My ego hates it. For that,

Thank You and Sorry.

everyone saw the iceberg, but no one is brave enough to see what's beneath. The main reason Titanic sunk was never the tip. But yes. Don't bother looking, the ship SUNK. [past tense]

waste

I was stalking someone through Blogspot. Dunno what was I looking for.





264 posts later, I gave up.
[now that's commitment syaimaa' ahmad's style]



*updated
267th - Found. LOL

alright or allwrong?

When you stepped Wrong, then the whole thing would crash down. The next thing that you'll see is a bunch of people stepping in, telling you don't be sad, don't worry, it's okay. No. It's not okay. Something is wrong. If it's not with you, then it's about me.

I might be sick I tell you, but the more they say that, i'm getting more anxious. Wondering which one is sincere.

I have trust issue. I gotta admit that.

It's a disease. Stay close tho, it's not infectious. Everytime people say "you are fine" I don't believe it. I know, to you I'm not fine. You are just saying it. It's not my low self esteem. When I'm wrong, you don't say i'm right. It's not white lie. Don't lie at all. Tell me the truth.

Don't congratulate me when you think I'm a real loser. Don't try to comfort me when actually you think I'm so dead for doing something bad. I hate to know that people need to take care of me that way. Sick to know that people think I'm that weak. I can accept critics and rejections. Don't spoil me. Tell me if I'm wrong. Don't tell me I'm good and talk bad things about me behind my back.

I'm perfectly imperfect in a very humanly possible. So when 6 out of 10 is good. 4 is bad.[or the other way around] So tell me what's my 4.

When all is good, I read that as all is bad.

which got me thinking, seriously I'm all bad?

I need an honest opinion and personally I don't think I can get that anywhere now. I have trust issue.

I don't trust you. and I think it's my problem

the reason

No sane person would leave the heated room, the duvet, the comfy bed and the nice pillows at 630 a.m in the middle of winter. Yes, we medical students are insane people.

Our lectures started at 7 in the morning today. If I had learn anything from medical school, the one ultimate lesson would be sacrifice. You had to give something for something. An eye for an eye.

Through out the day I was wondering, why am I here? And I couldn't fill in the blanks. Those questions that I answered oh-so-mighty during the JPA interviews, I could not come to reason to any of them now.

7a.m-2.30p.m back to back lectures. I couldn't even stop to think why am I doing all this. I know I had enough faith and strength to get through this. But we need motives to move on.

By the end of the day, this little monster put a smile to my face.

i'm not doing this in vain. I'm doing this for the one I love and for the one who loved me back.

I miss family. I miss home.

hari koko

12. dec. AUC bookstore, Costa Coffee, Khairuz zaman

Hari ni sangat sejuk.. sangaaaaaatt sejuk.. ok orang2 europe, us sila jangan mock kami warga mesir yg jaraang2 sekali dapat angka bawah 10 untuk suhu. Tapi hari ini 10, maybe 8 jugak. Ditambah angin ribut pasir yang sungguh dahsat..

balik rumah terus sakit dada. pasir dalam poket baju, dalam lipatan lengan. dalam tudung. oh merata2. balik rumah buka long coat kibas pasir berterabur keluar. dahsat.

tangan juga berbau pasir. Bijoux pasti suka. Pasir~ [permainan bijoux adalah pasir, sungguh geram bila balik kelas pasir toilet dy bersepah-sepah. buat istana pasir agaknya]


winter needs list [egypt only]

1. glove
2. winter coat tebal2
3. perisai angin [lawak gilerr bunyi]
4. penutup hidung
5. stokin banyakkk
6. coffee. [sumpah takleh nk bangun daa dok dalam selimut senyap2 pastu zzZZzz]
7. baju hujan [ u never know. hujan daa la berlumpur. nice!]
8. istiqamah dan azam yg teguh untuk duduk dimeja study
9. kesabaran utk memakai baju kurung dikala angin tebal... waaaa
   

sekian saja update hari ni.
-ributpasir-



ps/ rasa cam nk kensel je uk trip haiiihh sejuk cam ni pun dh suku nyawa.. apetah minus. ~_~!

Down

Oh, bukan sindrom down atau Down by Jay Sean. Entah. kadang2 semangat macam jatuh ke dalam longkang. Dok cari2 Caltex, "Pendorong Anda" tak jumpa2. Lupa yg pendorong sebenar tu syurga. Rasa macam payah sgt nk melangkah ke depan, bila setiap masa terbantut dek kelalaian.

Tak baek betulkan? padahal tahun baru.. marilah kehadapan. Ya Allah~ penat lawan diri sendiri.

Kadang2 rasa nk give up everything in the world. Mcm td pegi Masjid Saidina Husin, nmpk pakcik tua jual2 tp xde org nk beli, rasa mcm, oh my.. I'm saving for Winter Trip but someone here is dying to even eat. It's a horrible place to be at. Penah tak rasa mcm tu? How do I deal with that?

I'm not giving enough to the world and yet I'm demanding to be happy?

Happiness is subjective. I tried to make the fullest of my life, but holding Bijoux in my arms at night is the closest comforting thing ever here in Egypt. I wish my family is here. Knowing that someone is there to love you without judging. Even banyak salah pun, mom will always love you. Dad will always know what to tell when you make mistakes. Life is more comforting with the one you love.

Maaf, bkn mempertikaikan peranan sahabat disini. Tp lain perasaannya. tak tahu mcm mn nk khabar. Lain. Sangat. Someday I will miss friendship. Someday I'll wish I never leave Egypt. But for the time being, I never felt as alone as I feel now. No good words will be able to comfort me.

Pathetic.

Things that you might not be able to share ever. Secrets. Trust. I used to share everything, but now I'm terrified. I used to had places where I can turn to, but now I don't even have good times friends. The one I used to joke. The one who laugh along. I dunno where they are now. They evolve and they leave. They shut me down. and leave.

Bijoux came in just about the right moment. I'm sorry that I've been hard on those who treat her badly. But She's not just a cat, and you are not just a friend. You're supposed to be my sisters.. sisters don't treat their sister's loved one like that. That's just not.. u noe.. "sisterly"

I do need Caltex right now. But my Caltex is long long loooong way to go~ Meanwhile, I pray to God to grant me strength to go through all this.

I'm not a lacking person, I'm just special because I had to fight for it double of what others did.

Do I whine a lot? I do whine a lot, don't I?

p/s= geram dengan hati sendiri rasa nk amek pisau korek2 chestwall, nk picit2 je hati tu.. diam boleh tak diam? degil sangat ni apehal..degup2 bunyi Rabbi sudah laa.. nk degup2 name org buat hape!! astagfirullah~ tp kan... hati tu ape? liver ke heart ke takkan gall bladder lak kot?